Discovering who I am.

I really don't think I realized how much of a life altering change it would be to quit my job and commit full time to my baby. (Soon to be babies). It has taken me down a roller coaster of different emotions that I experience on a daily basis. I used to socialize with my work friends, and the customers that came in day by day. I would come home and then devote the rest of my night to my beautiful little girl kayleigh jade. It was a balance. A life. Something that kept me slightly sane. Of course work can make you irritable sometimes and then caring for your infant is difficult at times. This was also at a time where I wasn't 6 months pregnant while caring for an 11 month old who is starting to realize that mommy said "no" and that means she can't have everything she wants. This sometimes turns into small fits or tantrums that I am discovering are rather frustrating and something that I have to learn how to handle. I realize that parenting is hard. I know that being a mother requires patience and love and nurturing and lots and lots of attention. It's the hardest full time 24/7 job that anyone can ever have. No I don't just sit on my butt all day and relax. I only wish I could do that sometimes because pregnancy is tiring and sometimes painful. I am up and running all the time. I am the pregnant energizer bunny. I don't stop. And I have to admit that I feel like a terrible housewife. I suck at cleaning and keeping things nice and neat. I am currently trying to slowly focus on one thing at a time with housework but it's practically impossible for my worn out painful body.
My baby girl will be walking any day now. She is so close. She makes me proud. It's a chore I work on with her to try and get her to walk a little each day. Practice makes perfect.
I had one of those mental breakdowns tonight. They are the worst when you are all alone and your husband doesn't come home til 11:30pm. I just feel miserable sometimes when I am sitting there after I put kayleigh to bed and I realize I'm alone, bored, and I wish for company. I wish my husband didn't have to work the pm shift. it's basically all day because he sleeps all morning and then wakes up and has like 2 hours before work.
I am truly hoping for new beginnings and changes that are likely to happen within a year. Possibly a career change for Jon and the baby will be here in September. I am scared to death to be the mother of two children so close in age. I pray each night for strength to be able to handle whatever comes at me. Through all of the roller coaster emotions I know somehow someday things will get better.
I apologize for the long rant that is my blog entry. I needed to get some of that out. If you read all that, thanks for listening. To lighten the mood I will post some pictures of Kayleighs adventure today at the mall.